Missing her

I've been thinking about Carrisa all the time lately and I've been missing her A LOT. The weather is changing and it's starting to feel like fall which will eventually feel like winter. I guess it's just getting close to the time she passed away last year. I'm also awake at crazy hours feeding Emilee with nothing else to do but THINK. And she comes to mind a lot these days. Everything reminds me of her...

It's random stuff, too. Like, sometimes it's stuff no one else would understand. We used to make this one funny face that we called "the bass face" because it looked like a fish with it's mouth open. Well, earlier today Emilee TOTALLY made "the bass face" and I was cracking up and I wanted to tell her about it. And then there's stuff that reminds me of her that would remind anyone of her - like if a Johnny song comes on the radio, or that song If I Die Young (which was sung at her funeral). And a bunch of stuff in between.

The girls (Jessica, Carla & Nae) and I were talking about her the other day. We were discussing how weird it is that life just goes on without her. Before Carrisa died she knew that Lynae was having a boy and I'm pretty sure she knew what she was going to name him, but she never got to meet Caleb. She never even go tot know about Emilee. I would have loved for her to be a part of Emilee's life. I would've loved for her to meet Emilee and see her sweet face. Emilee is sooooooo special to me, and Carrisa was like a sister to me. It just seems like they should know each other. It's just crazy that I went through a whole pregnancy without her and now I'm starting an entirely new chapter of my life, and she is not here. I'm looking at Emilee now, thinking about how much Carrisa would've loved her. She would've probably bought cute shoes and clothes for her. I would've been just as excited for Carrisa to bring Norah to meet Emilee as I was for Emilee to meet the boys (James, Joey & Caleb).

I can't believe it's almost been a year. Somehow it seems like yesterday and like forever ago all at once. I see pictures of Norah on Jenni's blog and sometimes can't believe it's her. She's so grown up! I miss her. But it's crazy how in my mind's eye, she's kind of just frozen in time at the age she was when Carrisa died.

Tomorrow we are having our "Friends Thanksgiving". Carrisa will be missed. It was an event that she usually planned or helped plan, and something she got really excited about. Later this year we'll also be celebrating Christmas together with our close group of friends. It will be bittersweet. It was during our Christmas celebration with friends last year that she was quickly and unexpectedly taken. I still sometimes can't believe that was real - that we pretty much watched our best friend die right in the midst of a happy, fun, carefree celebration. It sounds more like a sad movie than something that could've really happened.

Carrisa will be on my mind a lot this season. I will remember her joy. I will remember her beautiful smile. I will remember her hospitality and how much she loved others. And probably mostly I will remember our inside jokes and the little things that remind me of her. Something will happen and I will look over to share a giggle with her, but she will not be there. And then, instead of be sad that she's gone, I will have to try to be thankful that we had that bond and were able to share those memories, and be thankful that I will see her smile again someday.