Today I worked from home, and the weather outside is dreary with the sun TRYING to make an appearance here and there. I think being alone, plus the weather, plus listening to soft music all day has been somehow making me think a lot about Carrisa. I miss her SO much. I have been doing better than I thought I would. I sometimes go a whole week without getting too sad over her loss - That's not to say that I don't think about her, because I think of her all the time. But I can go a while without being overwhelmed by it all. Today is different though. She's been on my mind this whole week, actually.
Norah went to Colorado last week and is starting her new little life in the Goodlin familiy. I am so happy for her. I'm sad for myself though, that I won't see her grow up as closely as I would've if Carrisa were still here. I know it's what's best though. And God has been reminding me how great it is - mostly through pictures, updates, and blog posts from Carrisa's family. This is one of my most favorite pictures in the world. This is Norah going to sleep in her new home (clutching her "baby", of course!), and her new big sister is kissing her goodnight. :) ADORABLE!
When I see Norah, especially in this picture, I see Carrisa. The look so much alike. Even small things like their hairline remind me of each other. It sends me back to the wee hours of the morning on December 12th, 2010... Just a few hours after Carrisa's passing. I stood by myself in a room with my best friend; except she wasn't there. Her memory, her body... those were there, but her spirit had already gone to be with her Savior. I wanted to remember her in 5, 10, or 20 years the same way I would if she were still here. I rubbed her hair for a minute, told her how much I loved her and would miss her, said my goodbyes, and then kissed her on the forehead. I've heard before that out of all of our senses, Smell has been dubbed as the "memory sense". The memory of a smell will last longer than the memory of a sight or even sound. So, after saying my goodbyes and kissing her forehead, I smelled her hair so that I could have something else to hold on to. When I see Norah or rub her hair, it reminds me of her Mommy. It reminds me of how much I'll miss her and how sad I am that Norah will never know her. Through ALL of the pain and sorrow that the death of my best friend has brought, there have been miracles right before my eyes, and even a sense of overwhelming joy at times. Carrisa's in heaven with the God of the universe. It doesn't get any better than that.
While remembering Carrisa today, I was thinking about the week that followed the tragic night that we lost her. Especially the next two days. With the exception of going to church, sitting in front of the TV, and occasionally finding something to eat, I basically stayed in bed. I remember that night we didn't go to bed until about 4am because we had been at the hospital really late. We were EXHAUSTED, but we couldn't help but stay up and talk about her and hold each other. We did the same thing for the next few days. Every time I'd wake up, I'd have to remember again that it was not in fact a nightmare, but it was real. Time stood still. We told our employers that we needed time off that week. We slept at strange hours. We stayed up late talking and slept all day. I'd get up for a few hours, and then go back to bed and cry myself to sleep. There's a song by Peter Bradley Adams that I've always LOVED, but it reminds me sooo much of the days just after Carrisa's death. The lyrics are printed below. I'm highlighting two verses. The first and second ones are what remind me so much of those days, and the third one, I just LOVE and it reminds me of the hope we have in this verse: For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Corinthians 4:17). Our troubles don't FEEL light and momentary, but in the scheme of eternity, they really are momentary. :)
Here are the lyrics:
Keep Us - Peter Bradley Adams
When the rains set in, we had no where left to go,
so we just stayed in bed while the thunder rolled.
There's a comfort in the rain, one that lovers only know.
So we lay hand in hand while the water rolls.
Every season will turn 'til the world is upsidedown.
Rivers overflow, then go underground.
But in the eye of the storm, and the safety of this house,
we lay hand in hand while the world turns round.
So keep us, keep us,
Keep us from the storm.
There's a lesson in the rain, that change will always come.
Let us ride this wave and then greet the sun.
And though the ground may shake and we think we've had enough,
We must raise our flags for the ones we love.
So keep us, keep us,
Keep us from the storm
