I've been a little bit depressed lately. Not sure why. It's not really bad or anything... I'm just feeling sort of "down" for some reason. I've heard that it's normal to feel some of those feelings after big life-changing stuff happens. I don't know if Nae and Creasy having babies is necissarily "life changing", but it's a big change in my life... (is that the same thing? haha). My feelings have nothing to do with them or the babies at all - I feel overjoyed and blessed and amazed when I see them or think about them. I don't know. Maybe my brain is trying to balance out the overwhelming joy with some "down" feelings. Or, maybe I just get depressed sometimes and I'm just over-analyzing it. Yeah. That's probably the case.
I think I get bummed when I think too much about stuff. Like, what AM I DOING?! My job is great and I think it's good for me for right now, but, I don't have any plan for the future. Is that okay? Right now I'm sick and live my life sort of one day at a time, because I find it overwhelming to PLAN for a future that I'm unsure of but... is that okay? I think I'm starting to get ready to take baby steps toward my future, even though it's really scary. I need to find a way to put my trust in God and not in myself when it comes to planning. It's scary to not know the future. But i shouldn't be scared to give it to God since I believe he DOES know the future, so who's better to handle it than Him?
I emailed Mitch (my doctor dude / landlord) on Friday afternoon, so I hope to hear from him around Monday-ish. I basically told him that I'm ready to start seeking out more stuff regarding my health. I asked him if he thought it would be beneficial to get more Lyme tests periodically. I also asked him about the hyperbaric chamber and whether he thought it would be beneficial to me whether I have Lyme or not, and if it's something I should try. I'm sure we'll run into lots of insurance crap with lots of money decisions to make. But I suppose it's worth it to at least try. Anyway - those were my 2 main questions - Lyme & Hyperbaric. So I'll update when I hear from him. I'm guessing his assistant will call me on Monday and set up an appointment with me, and then I can meet with him and talk to him in his office (again, $100/hr I believe). I have to stop worrying about money when it comes to that. Actually, we are able to be more free with our money at this point in our lives than ever before. So I should see it as an opportunity to even be ABLE to seek out health stuff. Even when we were pretty poor, Brenda from church and my family stepped up and they were able to help me get through some rough patches in regards to my health and the money side of it all. Again, I need to have more faith. Or, in other words, I need to have the "balls" to actually BELIEVE with my whole heart what I SAY I believe... That I trust in Him.
I get in these moods... it's partially the depression thing, it's partially just - I don't know - Me. But it's mostly a mood of Unmotivated-ness. I know that part of that stems from depression, and I think it's a big aspect of depression that a lot of people don't realize is part of it all. I think when people think of depression they think "sad" "crying" "anxious" "loss of interest". But I think at least 50% of it or MORE comes down to not being motivated, (even if it's in direct reference to something you really WANT to do) as well as getting overwhelmed very easily. I could sit here right now and tell you some of the things I want most in the next 5 years, if not earlier: I want to get better (health), I want to start a family with Ry, I want to buy a house, I want to lose weight. Or even the little stuff that I want to do... I want to get a BBQ and learn how to BBQ stuff this summer. I want to organize my house/closets. I want to learn how to bead or do other craftsy things on more than just a basic level. I want to spend more time with my friends, especially the girls. A lot of this stuff I've wanted to do for - well, forever! But have I done any of them? No, not really. Do I have a plan to start working on that stuff? Hmm, not really. I'm just starting to think about GETTING motivated to do a lot of that stuff, but is that going to fade away in a few months? I have no idea.
I guess this is what my predicament is: When I try to plan for the future, it stresses me out, I get overwhelmed, there are too many options... too much stuff to think about. So, I should not worry, right? Give up the "planning" and live one day at a time? But then what? I get nothing done. Ever. I go on with my life... being fat, being sick, not learning new things, not making new friends, letting my "clutter" take over.
I constantly make To-Do lists. Constantly.
I'm mostly venting, or should I say, tiredly ranting, way past my bedtime. If you read this and you are one who prays, (or even if you're not one who prays, but you want to start - haha) pray for me. I need to seek more guidance from God to help guide my ducks into their row. =) For now I think I am working on my health. That might be the hardest one to start with, but I think it will make everything else easier. Who knows. Maybe one day at a time IS best for me. That is, if I can leave the future to God. *sigh* Why is it so difficult?
Anyway - Today was a pretty good day. Lots of down time though, which can get boring. But still good. We went to my friend Rachel's bday party at One Mile. It was fun to see her since I haven't seen her for a while now. She used to work with me at Duarte, but now she teaches. Her husband Chris still works there. Nessie, the doggie that is my little adoptive doggie daughter belongs to Chris and Rachel. (Rachel's parent's own the company, too - Mark & Nancy). I got her some fun craftsy/girly stuff. She's out of work for the summer, so maybe that will mean that we get to hang out and do more craftsy stuff which is something I've been wanting to do anyway. Also, I got to see Nessie and Ryan got to meet Bear Bear (their other doggie) and hear his funny sounds which I've been wanting Ryan to hear because they are HI-LAR-IOUS. Believe me. Later on Ryan played frisbee golf with Tones so I had some down time at home. I was going to watch a netflix but our DVD player was freaking out, or so I thought. The DVD player was fine. I found out that the disc was completely broken in half on one side. haha. So, yeah, that idea went down the tubes. So instead I went upstairs and took a nap. Ryan got home like 30 mins later so it wasn't much of a nap, but it was good enough. Later on we went out to the Olive Garden for dinner. It was yummy-licious and we have leftovers for tomorrow, too. Ryan got a myspace and facebook last night so he's been spacin' and facin' all evening. I finally got the comp from him a little while ago. He bought some video games through his xbox live or whatever so he's actually playing that classic version of the Ninja Turtles game right now. It's pretty funny.
Well, I must retire to my quarters soon. I'll see if I can tear Ryan away from Donatello. :)
wow, fun fact - when they were first released in the UK they were called Teenage Mutant HERO Turtles. HAHA!
Later dooooods.
Lynds :)
-I tend to rant and I tend to blog way too late, so my apologies if my blog makes no sense from time to time.
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